Anonymous asked realsocialskills:I’m autistic, and my mom outs me against my will to anyone she has known for more than 5 minutes. How do I get her to stop?realsocialskills said:Unfortunately, I can’t think of any way to get her to stop that seems likely to work. I’m posting this in hopes that someone else has ideas.Have any of y’all succeeded at getting a parent to stop outing you?
I don’t know what your relationship with your mother is like, but maybe ask her if you can talk to her privately for a moment, and be firm but gentle, use words like “This is important, we need to talk.” Vocalize in the nicest way possible about how you feel about what she does when she introduces you to people. Think of an agreement when you want to “out” yourself as being Autistic, if you even want to out yourself.
You can even write all these feelings in a letter if talking to her face to face is too intimidating.
That kind of thing is much more effective between equals. I haven’t seen it work well as a strategy to get someone with power over you to treat you better. Have any of y’all?
I have, but not in an instance where I really need to force the issue. Like this sort of thing works when someone with power either already cares enough to listen, or can be made (by forcefulness of communication and personality) to care enough to listen. It doesn’t work when the person has power over you and either doesn’t give a crap or doesn’t get it and sort of refuses to get it.
If you’re around when she does this you can trying saying to the person who you’ve just been outed to, “I’d really rather you didn’t know that about me just yet.” If the person who you’ve been outed to is restive to this kinds of things (which is a REALLY big maybe) then the two of you will have a short understanding which if your mother sees might, if she’s just the type who refuses to get it in less dangourse ways than others, back off in the future. You might have a few conversations
You: I’d rather you didn’t know that about me.
Other Person: Oh, um, ok, sorry then.
A conversation between you and your mom later:
Mom: Why did you say that?
You: Because I wanted that person to know I wasn’t comfortable with the type of information you were sharing about me.
Mom: But why?
You: Because it crosses some personal boundies and makes me uncomfortable. There are some things that I don’t want to disclose to strangers, that is one of them.
Or the conversation between you and your mom might be more aggressive and she might accuse of you making her look bad and I’m not sure what you’d say yeah?
I’d frame this in an “I have boundaries, here they are.” type of way because if she doesn’t get it because the subject is autism she might get it if you reframe it has being over sharing and personal.
I had a problem with my sister and dad outing be as non-binary and this is the talk I had with them, although it went diffrenly in that I talked about spaces were I wanted to be out but made it clear I would out myself. Maybe tell her that you want to chance to tell this to people?
Oh good lord. If I tried something like this on my mother she would have a complete meltdown and accuse me of being rude and embarrassing her in public. This would be a disaster. Are there really people on whom this strategy would not be a disaster?
I’ve seen this kind of thing work. But it can also backfire horribly.