This post is partly in response to a recent post by Dave Hingsbuger about dealing with hate. I’m quoting part of it here, but it’s an important post and I really reccomend reading all of it:
I want to stop the screaming in my head.
I want to stop the endless internal monologues that I have to prove to myself that another person’s words, or actions towards me, we wrong or baseless.
I want to fully recognize that someones hateful and bigoted action towards me is simply hatred and bigotry and as such exist in their heart not something that exists in my reality.
These are hard things to want, but I want them.
quote ends here
I know this feeling well. And it’s really hard. And one reason it’s hard to talk about is that, well meaning people will suggest all kinds of things like:
- It shouldn’t matter to you what they think of you. They’re just hateful. It’s their problem.
- Have you tried meditation?
- Remember that you are loved, those people don’t matter
- Just ignore them
- Life is too short to let that get to you
And the thing is… Those people do matter, and you can’t just decide not to care.
Our culture has active contempt for all kinds of people who deserve better. And when you’re the target, it’s hard to know that people who hate you are wrong. It’s hard to know all the time - no one succeeds 100% at this.
And sometimes it’s presented as though being hurt by it is a moral failing. It’s not. There is no skin any of us could grow that would make us immune. There is no simple stance that will make it stop hurting.
But it does help to remind ourselves, as much as possible, that we deserve better. And to spend our time with people who get it.