“Understandably, we have been getting a number of questions to Lambda Legal’s Help Desk and through social media about what might happen once President-elect Trump is in office.
We’ve broken it down into four categories:
Don’t Worry (Too Much)
Do These Things Now
How You Can Help
If You Need Help”
Anonymous said to realsocialskills:
Do you have good sex ed resources written for and about people with disabilities? Bonus if there’s resources for nonverbal people or “low functioning” autistic people (scare quotes intentional, of course). (Also, it’s okay if you can’t fulfill this request entirely. I’m just frustrated that I don’t know where to begin.)
I know a few possibly-useful resources:
The Autistic Self Advocacy Network and Autism NOW published a handbook on relationships and sexuality, written by a variety of autistic authors.
I’ve heard good things about The Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability: For All of Us Who Live with Disabilities, Chronic Pain, and Illness. (I don’t know whether that book addresses cognitive disability or not; I think it is likely relevant regardless.)
Temple University has a project aimed at providing adult vocabulary for adult AAC users. That project has a relationships and sexuality section, with a list of words that need to be added to AAC devices.
Mayer Johnson (a company that makes a lot of communication symbols) has a symbol set called “Communicating About Sexuality”. I do not know if it’s any good, and I kind of suspect that it might not be, because they describe it as being primarily oriented towards preventing sexual abuse.
I know that Dave Hingsburger does ed classes primarily designed for people with intellectual disabilities, and that he trains people who teach them. I have not seen them directly; I do have reason to believe that they are good. I don’t know how to find out when they are happening.
Open Future Learning has a video module by Dave Hingsburger about sexuality. It’s a resource designed for staff; the website subscription model assumes that an organization is buying a subscription. If you contact them directly, it is also possible to buy an individual subscription.
Diverse City Press publishes expensive DVDs about masturbation, abuse prevention, boundaries, self-esteem, and power. I have not seen them (because I can’t afford to buy them yet), but I’ve heard good things about them from people whose judgement I trust. They also have a couple of good books about abuse prevention that touch on sex ed a little bit (they say, among other things, that it’s abusive to deny people access to knowledge about their bodies, and also abusive to try to prevent them from having consensual sexual relationships).
tl;dr There aren’t enough good resources on disability and sexuality. Scroll up for some of the ones I know about. Please comment if you know of something good.
Anonymous said to realsocialskills:
Question about a common problem @ work: Sometimes “normal” (not really) people are distant, unfriendly, or even rude because they’re busy or not interested in being friendly. Sometimes they’re like that b/c they have a problem with you and they’re being cooly polite to cover it up.
As an autistic person, how can I tell the difference between a person who is unfriendly but has no ill intentions; versus a person who is unfriendly because there’s a problem?
This has caused me big problems at work.
You can’t always tell, but there are a couple of approaches that work some of the time:
One way is to watch how they are with other people. Are they also cool and abrupt with others, or is it mostly directed just at you? If it’s mostly directed at you, they are probably annoyed with you specifically.
Another way is to ask other people who you work with. Are there people at work who you know like you, and who you get along well with? If so, you might be able to ask them, and they might know what’s going on. Eg:
- “I feel like I’m offending Bob a lot. Do you think I am, or am I misreading something?”
Another possibility is asking the person. This can backfire and isn’t always a good idea, but sometimes talking to someone directly can go a long way towards solving the problem. Eg:
- You: I feel like I’m annoying you a lot. Is there something you’d like me to do differently?
- Them: It’s really annoying when people chat at me while I’m trying to concentrate. Could you keep it to work related things when it’s not lunch time?
Also, there’s a blog called Ask a Manager that you might want to read. It has a lot of really good posts on workplace culture and how to manage conflicts with coworkers.
Anyone else want to weigh in? How do you tell the difference between people who are just generally distant, vs people who have a problem with you in particular?
Anonymous said to realsocialskills:
I’ve had an issue in my life with people who take advantage of me, and only recently have I been able to start recognizing a few of the red flags of that. Stuff like: You always end up paying more than (or getting less than) your fair share if you go out with them, they pressure you into doing stuff you can’t afford, etc. I think it’s wrapped up in emotional abuse, but I’m bad at seeing it. Are you better at recognizing red flags that you’re being taken advantage of, and if so, what are they?
I think the biggest thing to watch out for is what happens when you don’t want to do something, get angry, or try to say no:
- Is there ever a polite way to say no to something, or do you always have to either do what they want or be rude?
- Is “I can’t afford that” something they are willing to take for an answer without arguing or guilt-tripping?
- If you’re angry about something, do you always end up apologizing for being angry/blowing something out of proportion/etc, or do people sometimes agree that you have a point and apologize to you? (If only one of those things ever happens, that’s a problem).
If there’s a pattern where you have to be rude in order to say no, something is really wrong. Some people manipulate the rules of politeness to stop people from having boundaries or saying no to them. Some people are really good at making you feel like you’ve done something wrong every time you say no to something.
If things are going well in a friendship, everyone involved will say no from time to time. Everyone will get annoyed from time to time. Everyone will have inconvenient preferences from time to time, and everyone will compromise to accommodate the others from time to time. If you’re the only one compromising, something’s going wrong. If you’re always doing what others want even if it makes you really uncomfortable or hurts you, something’s wrong. If you’re not able to express feelings or say no, something’s wrong.
The thing going wrong might not be that people are taking advantage of you. There are other possibilities. For instance, some people are trained in childhood to never say no, and it can be hard to learn as an adult that you don’t have to want what others want, that it’s ok to say no, and that friendship involves compromises in both directions. If you haven’t learned that, it might be hard to communicate and negotiate, even if no one is intentionally taking advantage of you. That said, all of this is a major red flag for people taking advantage, and it’s worth taking the possibility very, very seriously. (And both problems can be happening at once - manipulative people usually prey on people who already have trouble asserting boundaries.)
And in any case - if you’re not ok with what’s happening, that’s a problem that matters, because it matters what you want and what your boundaries are. If you’re not ok with what’s happening, then the situation is not ok. You’re allowed to have boundaries whether or not anyone is wronging you.
I’m currently reading a book by Gavin de Becker called The Gift of Fear; it’s problematic for a lot of reasons but it’s also really good in equal measure (to me, personally) in talking about signs of manipulation and how to recognize them.
Observing how the person takes rejection is critical, and as mentioned by a commenter that another sign may be the person doing you unwanted favours. Some others listed by de Becker in the book I mentioned include:
- Forced Teaming.
This is when a person implies that he has something in common with his chosen victim, acting as if they have a shared predicament when that isn’t really true. Speaking in “we” terms is a mark of this, i.e. “We don’t need to talk outside… Let’s go in.”
- Charm and Niceness.
This is being polite and friendly to a chosen victim in order to manipulate them by disarming their mistrust. In his book de Becker notes “niceness is a decision, a strategy of social interaction; it is not a character trait”.
- Too many details.
If a person is lying they will add excessive details to make themselves sound more credible to their chosen victim.
An insult is used to get a chosen victim who would otherwise ignore one to engage in conversation to counteract the insult. For example: “Oh, I bet you’re too stuck-up to talk to a guy like me.” The tendency is for the chosen victim to want to prove the insult untrue. I think this or a similar strategy is also known as negging in the PUA circles, where the PUA approaches his “mark” with an insult or a backhanded compliment. Basically this is a common way of getting the chosen victim or mark to become engaged and invested in the interaction on the manipulator’s terms.
- Loan Sharking.
Giving unsolicited help to the chosen victim and anticipating they’ll feel obliged to extend some reciprocal openness in return. This is what the commenter mentioned, and is one way of, as mentioned above, stacking the situation in such a way that you look bad if you refuse.
- The Unsolicited Promise.
A promise to do (or not do) something when no such promise is asked for; this usually means that such a promise will be broken. For example: an unsolicited, “I promise I’ll leave you alone after this,” usually means the chosen victim will not be left alone. Similarly, an unsolicited “I promise I won’t hurt you” usually means the person intends to hurt their chosen victim.
- Discounting the Word “No”
Refusing to accept rejection.
All of these things can be very hard to spot on the fly. This is not the fault of you or anyone else dealing with anything similar. Especially if you’ve been the victim/survivor of past emotional trauma or abuse. That’s normal.
Because it can be so difficult to spot all of these on the fly de Becker talks about the importance of intuition. More often than not we don’t need to actually intellectualize our decisions as we make them (although this may be affirming, or comforting, or whatever, it’s also not always practical), we just need to let our intuition lead us. He also proceeds to list what he calls “Th Messengers of Intuition” from lowest to highest intensity, and instructs the reader that these are the feelings that are important to listen to when you’re trying to appraise a situation or a person’s behaviour. They are as follows:
- Nagging feelings
- Persistent thoughts
- Gut Feelings
I’m sure there’s more that I’m forgetting probably but this is what I’ve been reading lately and what I’ve got for now. This type of stuff can be really difficult because abuse/manipulation/coersion is so ugly and steeped in deception, so the tactics can be really nebulous and hard to decipher a lot of the time. What’s easier to unravel, I think, are one’s own feelings in the midst or aftermath of everything. “When he suggested ___ I had a nagging thought that ___”; I’m slowly learning to appraise uncomfortable situations in these ways instead of trying to tack on a “because” to the sentence I mentioned and just act on what I feel. So far I haven’t been disappointed even once.
ETA: Possible strategies of getting out of these situations are, off the top of my head:
- A single, crystal-clear, direct “NO”. Anything less as a first volley is open to negotiation. Backing down from it later just makes you weaker. You can do this by saying that you wouldn’t feel comfortable with whatever the person is trying to drag you into doing, so that way they look like the jerk who’s being pushy.
- Forcing the person to be explicit. If extortion is the goal, “I don’t understand what you’re getting at” forces the asshole to be explicit. Many would rather back down rather than be clear about the evil they want to do.
That book has a lot of useful information in it, but it’s also a seriously dangerous book for people who are being actively abused. His attitude towards abuse victims is incredibly condescending, demeaning, and victim-blaming. (It literally says “the first time a woman is hit, she is a victim and the second time, she is a volunteer.”)
I think that it’s probably, for most people, a better idea to learn these ideas from Captain Awkward than to read the book directly. Captain Awkward takes most of hist good ideas and leaves out most of the destructive parts.
I also think that if you read The Gift of Fear, you should also read Why Does He Do That? Inside The Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft. It’s in most ways a much better book.
It counters a lot of the victim-blaming, and has a much more respectful attitude towards abused women, with more realistic and respectful advice. (Major caveat about that book: the only abuse dynamic he really takes seriously is a man abusing a female partner. If you’re currently being abused in a different pattern or are a survivor of a different kind of abuse, that might be difficult. Most of what he says applies, but he doesn’t seem to know that, and it can make the book painful to read.)
Hey, you mentioned wanting to figure out how to find a good therapist in your last post. I recently tackled that problem, and I’m pretty satisfied with the results I got - I think my method can be improved on, but it’s at least a starting point.
What I did was make a questionnaire in google docs and email it to a bunch of local therapists - anyone who looked like they might work out at all. It included a bunch of different types of questions, everything from basic information about where the therapist’s office is to questions about their ethics and personality.
The first test was whether they filled out the form at all, and a lot of them didn’t. That’s fine - anybody who isn’t willing to put up with being asked to do something a little out of the ordinary is probably not going to be a good match for me anyway.
For the actual questions, here’s a breakdown of what I asked:
- Basic biographical information - name, office location, whether they were taking new clients
- Familiarity with various things that are relevant to me - ADD and autism, PTSD, disability rights, that sort of thing. I also asked how they’d learned about autism. For these, I wasn’t necessarily looking for a high level of familiarity, especially for autism - someone who thought they knew a lot but had never spoken to an autistic adult would have been disqualified, for example - but these questions would have made a good tiebreaker if I’d had more than one good candidate.
- Physical and social accessibility stuff:
- Is their office physically accessible? Are there stairs to get to it? Are they comfortable with the idea of working with a disabled person?
- Are they comfortable communicating via text? Is there wifi I can use to IM with them?
- Are they comfortable working with someone who’s nonbinary? very smart? follows a weird religion? distrusts authority?
- How do they rate themselves on the parts of the Big 5 Agreeableness trait? (Trust, straightforwardness, altruism, compliance, modesty, tender-mindedness - wikipedia can explain more about this)
- In particular I was looking for high trust and straightforwardness and low compliance - the low compliance is particularly important, since it suggests that they’ll actually listen to me rather than just sticking to what they’ve been taught about the right way to do therapy.
- Treatment approach
- How familiar are they with the issue I’d be seeing them for? How often do they work with people on that issue? How confident are they that they can help me with it?
- What treatment method or methods do they use? How firm are they about sticking to their preferred method if it doesn’t seem to be working or if I don’t like it?
- How long would they expect it to take for me to see results?
- Ethics questions - honestly I’m pretty sure you can do better than I did, on these, but I started by defining ethics as “Ethics is about doing things safely, particularly without risking harm to others. What do you believe about ethics?”, and here’s what I asked - the possible answers were ‘strongly agree, agree, neutral, disagree, strongly disagree’.
- It is easy to make ethical mistakes.
- Ethical mistakes can be made unintentionally.
- Everyone makes ethical mistakes sometimes.
- It is important to be honest with others about my ethics and ethical beliefs. (This one was not really a question - the idea was to prompt the therapist to answer the next few questions honestly.)
- Committing to following a code of ethics written by an expert is a reliable way to avoid ethical mistakes.
- Keeping my behavior the same across different contexts helps me avoid ethical mistakes.
- It is important to understand others’ ideas of harm so that I can treat them ethically.
- Cognitive disability, youth, and inexperience can be good reasons to discount claims of harm.
Also for each section I included a fill-in box for the therapist to write in anything else they thought I should know about their answers to that section, but nobody actually used them for anything interesting.
And, to give you an idea of responses - I sent this form to somewhere between 15 and 20 therapists. I heard back from 10, of which 5 weren’t accepting clients, 2 didn’t do IM, 1 didn’t work with people with PTSD, 1 emailed back with a suggestion that I work with a group of therapists in something that sounded like an outpatient institutional setting (*alarmed flailing*) … but the last one seems to be a really good fit, and it didn’t take a whole lot of work or risk to find her out of the original bunch I sent the form to, so I’m pretty happy.
Has this worked (or not worked) for any of y'all? Has anything else?
Anonymous said to realsocialskills:
i know it’s not exactly your thing but i don’t know where else to ask: do you know any good stim toy recommendation/review blogs? particularly discreet/adult-friendly stim toys…
THAT FIRST SITE IS EVERY WRITER’S DREAM DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY TIMES I’VE TRIED WRITING SOMETHING AND THOUGHT GOD DAMN IS THERE A SPECIFIC WORD FOR WHAT I’M USING TWO SENTENCES TO DESCRIBE AND JUST GETTING A BUNCH OF SHIT GOOGLE RESULTS
Anyone know any fictional young adult books about teens with disabilities? I’ve read Five flavors of dumb.
Check out these blogs to find more books with disabled characters:
These are meant to be for writers who want to write disability, but also sometimes review books with disabled characters, or have blog posts written by book authors.
In both Tumblr and Twitter, you can also try #DiversifyYourShelves tag (and #WeNeedDiverseBooks): these are not limited to disability, but include disability as one aspect of diversity. The downside of these is that sometimes the people making book representations are not themselves people with disabilities and thus might not have enough awareness to pick up on problematic stereotyped characters or other problematic elements. The advantage of the Disability in Kid Lit blogs is that people who run the blogs (and contributing writers etc) are themselves people with disabilities, so if someone there says they like a book you know they’re speaking from their own experience and not just from stereotypes.
Here are a couple more lists.
^ Rec list by an author in the genre
^Another rec list by a person with disabilities
^And another rec list. (The font is kind of bright and overstimulating for me so if that’s a thing for you take note)
Also from personal experience The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night is an EEEXCELLENT book about Autism/Asperger’s syndrome.
i decided to compile a list of plus size stores with a little blurb, their size range, and their price range as a resource for you butts. i apologize that this list is very US-centric and very ‘feminine’-centric (i looked super hard for gender neutral and ‘masculine’ plus clothes but just found wall after wall of ‘big and tall’ stores with nothing but khakis and polos)- i tried to note shipping ranges where it was transparent on the site. all sizes are in US sizes and all money is in USD.
please feel free to send me any place i missed (especially if they are gender neutral or ‘masculine’ !!! or independent shops)- my only requisite is that they carry above a 42 waist for ‘masculine’ stuff and above a US size 20 for ‘feminine’ stuff. exceptions can be made (like for forever 21+) if sizes are known to run large, but this is why stuff like dorothy perkins and rue 107 are missing. stores with a *** are wtfplus approved (meaning i’ve shopped there AND really like their clothes).
general plus sizes:
additionelle – canadian plus size chain (their lane bryant, basically, but slightly hipper), sizes up to 26/4X, most stuff is $60 to $150 for dresses. online only outside of canada, ships only to US and canada.
alight – plus size clothing aggregator leaning toward juniors/beach hippie. aggregates up to size 34. just about everything is under $30.
ashley stewart – good for basics and work clothes, lots of bright colors. carries up to size 26. prices range from $30 to $90. started by a rich white man to target/employ women of color. this has nothing to do with their clothing style but is a weird bit of paternalistic of trivia.
asos curve *** – UK plus size retailer, modern and trendy plus size clothes, nearly everything is cool or beautiful. sizes go up to a US 24, but when something is stretchy or a ‘swing dress’ i’ve found that the 22 comfortably fits a size 28 (me). if you like something stretchy, try it out- returns are free and quick. most things are $20 to $100. online only, ships worldwide.
autograph – australian plus size chain, juniors and casual styles, sizes up to 22 (AUS 26), most stuff is around $50 to $100. online only outside of australia and new zealand.
avenue – ‘mature’ styles, good for tights and underwear and basics especially, carries up to size 32 (mostly only up to 28 in store, though some 30s can be found). prices ranging from $20-$90
ax paris - european trendy plus size store. a lot of their stuff is carried at simply be, asos, evans, and yours clothing, as well as kmart in the US. carries up to a US 22/24, though their US site doesn’t seem to carry a plus line. most stuff is under $70.
big & tall direct - ‘masculine’ basics, up to size 10x and an 80 waist in some things. prices vary wildly, from $10 to $300 because they carry basics and suiting. site is a little hard to navigate.
boohoo - casual and work wear, up to a US size 20 (though i’ve seen people around a US 22/24 wear some of their items). most stuff is $10 to $55.
carmakoma - danish plus size store. high quality, lots of edgy leather and matrix-y clothes. sizes up to 24. prices run from $50 to $300. online only outside of europe, worldwide shipping.
catherine’s – ‘mature’ styles, sizes up to 34/5X, prices ranging from $30 all the way to $130.
chic star - retro and pin-uppy stuff with some goth stuff mixed in. the sizes can be a little confusing, but they seem to carry up to a 26/28.most stuff is $20-$80.
city chic – australian plus size chain, juniors and adults who read young adult novels styles, sizes up to 22 (though they say it’s comparable to other stores’ 24), most stuff is around $50 to $100. online only outside of australia and new zealand.
deb shops – junior plus, cute casual and party clothes for teens. carries up to a 24/3X. most stuff is $20 to $70.
dress barn – professional and casual women’s plus, much cuter than you’d expect for a place with ‘barn’ in the name. carries up to a size 24, but there’s a weird grey area where 14 and 16 overlap with ‘regular’ dress barn (and the 14 plus is $20 more than the 14 regular). most stuff is $50 to $100. MOST dress barns have a ‘women’s’ section.
eddy & bri - juniors plus and women’s plus with some pretty cute forever 21-ish dresses. their sizing is confusing because anything over a 3X is considered an ‘extended size’, and their juniors chart stops at 18/20 while their women’s chart goes up to 26/28. ask questions before ordering. most stuff is under $60.
eloquii – juniors plus owned by the limited. they went out of business but are coming back spring of 2014 due to customer feedback. carried up to a size 24 i believe, and most stuff was under $80. online only but may appear in select stores.
eShakti *** – ‘retro’ and modern styles (mostly dresses), good for general cuteness, bridesmaids dresses, etc. carries sizes 0-36 but will make things bigger, so there’s really no upper limit. for an extra $7.50 you can customize anything to your measurements/change length/change neckline/etc., prices from $50 to $120. lots of good coupons and sales. online only, ships only to US and canada
evans *** – hit and miss casual and professional plus, their hits are HUGE hits (beth ditto line comes to mind) and they have a great coat selection, up to size 28, most stuff is $60 to $110. online only outside of the UK and middle east.
fashion to figure – cheapy plus club and casual wear, beautiful colors and prints but low quality. sizes up to a 26. almost everything is under $45.
forever 21+ - plus size juniors. basically just as cheap and wacky as their non-plus lines. sizes up to 20/3X though some items are expanding to 22/4X (and the stretchier stuff runs a little roomy). most stuff is like $10 to $40, which is on par with the quality. available in SOME stores, but mostly online only.
gstagelove - juniors plus, carries much of the same stock as fashion to figure but cheaper ! sizes go up to 22, but some people have said they’ve had luck fitting into stuff up to size 26. most items are $10 to $30.
h&m+ - very basic women’s plus, lots of black and denim so far. sizes up to a 24. most stuff is $13 to $50. available in SOME stores, but mostly online only.
hello holiday - cute retro/vintage-y/modcloth-y dresses. their buyers have good taste and their plus size line is expanding, though it’s called ‘va-va-voom’. sizes up to 22/4X, most dresses $60 to $90.
holy clothing - clothes for ye olde renaissance faire, with lots of capes. sizes up to a 5X/30/32. most stuff is under $80.
igigi – professional and formal clothes, sort of like a sexier kiyonna (and they carry wedding stuff). the designer, yulia raquel, is a pretty big risk taker, and they come up with pretty unique-looking stuff sometimes. sizes up to a 30/32. online only, though available through several retailers and department stores.
j. jill – sort of a wanna be/will never be j.crew, casual overpriced clothes for women. sizes up to 28/4X. most things are $60 to $100. notable because they have a lot of cotton and linen and natural fibers.
jacamo – simply be’s ‘men’s’ store, one of the few ‘men’s’ clothing stores i could find with stylish clothes that weren’t just khakis and polo shirts. carries up to a men’s 5X/54 waist with shoes up to a 16. prices vary wildly, from $30 to $150. online only.
jessica london – modern, professional, and formal styles. good if you need a dress to wear to some dork’s wedding. claims to carry up to a size 40, but most of the best dresses stop at 28. wild range of prices, from $20 to $150. online only.
kiyonna **** – professional and formal clothes, this is THE fat person ‘oh shit, i have a wedding to go to’ dress source. carries up to a 32/5X. also offers pictures of people with different body types in their dresses. prices range from $90 to $200. online only, though they are available through several other retailers.
land’s end - yuppie plus size clothing for yachting and posing for the ll bean catalog. occasional cute dresses and VERY cute bikinis up to a size 26. most stuff is under $140, though bathing suit pieces are sold separately. they also sell petite plus. online only.
lane bryant – ‘mature’ and professional styles, good for underwear and bras (not good QUALITY bras but good bra sales/decent size range), carries up to size 28/30 in their own clothes but has up to size 36 because they stock kiyonna dresses, prices range from $29 to $150 but you can ALWAYS (i mean always) find a huge coupon. their site is finicky about taking debit cards.
levi’s – jeans. just jeans. but jeans that are made of actual denim instead of spandex. up to size 24, though they run small. most jeans are $40 to $60, though they often have coupon codes. plus sizes are online only but have been spotted in the wild at kohls before.
living doll LA - sort of like a plus size delia*s. sizes up to 22/24. most stuff is between $10 and $40.
ll bean – yuppie plus size clothing similar to land’s end. most stuff is under $120. online only.
lovedrobe –UK retailer with juniors and youthful clothes, lots of bright colors, sizes up to a US 28 (sizes are listed in UK sizing) though most items stop at a 24, and i’ve heard their clothes run small. most things are under $100. online only, ships to UK, europe, and US/canada.
love your peaches - “mature” plus with lots of bathing suit options (including fatkinis). sizes up to a 34/36. prices range from $50 to $100.
modcloth *** – retro and modern cute plus size clothes, recently committed to expanding their sizes and making a real effort to listen to their customers. carries up to a 28/30/4X. most stuff is $70 to $120. their app and review system is really helpful. online only.
monif c. – sexy party dresses and cool bikinis. lots of prints and bright colors. carries up to a 24/3X. most stuff is $100 to $200. online only outside of NYC boutique, though you can find pieces at various stores in missouri, maryland, and louisiana.
navabi - german plus size retailer, very similar to evans (maybe a little more fashion forward and a little wackier) but prices are inexplicably $150 to $1000 ! to the point where i think their currency converter is broken. sizes up to us 28.
pin up girl clothing – retro pin-uppy stuff (obviously). their models have VBO, which is refreshing. sizes up to a 4X (which is defined as measurements of 53-45-56). most stuff is $70 to $150.
old navy plus – good for basics like t-shirts and yoga pants, but their plus size styling is lightyears behind. also took their plus lines out of stores, which sucks. sizes go to up 30/4X, though their clothes notoriously run big. most things are $10 to $50 and they often have coupon codes. if you’re a 24/26, try their stretchy XXL stuff from non-plus old navy. you’ll be surprised.
new look/inspire – uk plus retailer. cute trendy and juniors style clothes. sizes up to 24. most stuff is under $50 US. online only outside of europe and the middle east.
one stop plus – aggregator for online plus size clothing. they pull from a bunch of sources and you can search up to size 44. the signal to noise ratio is pretty bad. online only.
pennington’s – canadian plus size chain (appears to be the catherine’s to additionelle’s lane bryant), most stuff is $60 to $90. online only outside of canada, ships only to US and canada.
pink clove *** – newer UK plus size store, clothes are getting cuter as they really pay attention to customer feedback, carries up to a US 28. most things are between $40 and $80. online only, ships worldwide.
pyramid collection - witchy (like wiccan witchy, not tumblr black clothes witchy) and hippie type clothes, with some romantic poetry shirts and stuff. carries up to a 26/28. prices range from $20 to $90.
queen grace - work and eveningwear type stuff, lots of sequins and dramatic cuts. sizes up to a 26. most stuff ranges from $50 to $120.
rainbow – juniors plus, casual and party clothes for teens with occasional pieces adults might like. carries up to a size 22. most stuff is $10 to $40.
roaman’s – lane bryant/avenue clone. they carry up to size 40, though their size chart goes up to a 48. most stuff is $30 to $100.
simply be *** – UK plus size clothing store, generally really cute stuff, carries designers like gok wan and anna scholz, though their social media team seems to be clueless non-fat people. carries up to a US 28 and has plus size maternity. most things are between $30 and $100. online only, ships to UK, through europe, and to US.
sonsi – ‘mature’ and fancy type clothes, owned by lane bryant’s parent company, functions as an aggregator so they carry items from many designers. listed so sizes go up to 36 and prices go up to $500. online only.
swak designs – casual and modern styles, lots of solid colors to wear to events, sizes up to 36/6X, most things are $50 to $100. online only.
talbot’s - described as stuffy, but a good place to get good quality interview suits and ‘professional’ work clothes. sizes up to 24. ranges around $100 to around $300 for a full suit.
torrid – juniors/’alternative’ style clothing (though they are trying to skew older now), good for leggings/fishnets and getting last minute items at the mall when you can’t wait for online ordering, carries up to a 28/4X in stores but has 30/5X online. prices range from $20 to $120. be forewarned that their site will place a hold on your card and then make a separate charge, basically making it so 2x the amount you’re charged is held on your card for a few days (this sucks if you’re broke). also, their sales suck.
ts 14+ - australian plus size chain, casual and formal styles, sizes up to 22, most stuff is around $80 to $130 (in USD). online only outside of australia.
ulla popken – german plus size retailer. ‘mature’ clothing and lots of long skirts and dresses. sizes up to a US 26/3X. most stuff is $25 to $90. online only outside of europe and the middle east.
ureshii - basics, work clothes, and simple pretty things, all custom sized. they will customize to any size like eshakti, letting you pick lengths and fabrics and measurements. most things are $24 to $150.
wet seal+ - very 90s juniors plus. notable for being one of few juniors lines to go up to a 28. most stuff is under $30. available in LIMITED stores but mostly online.
wole designs - an odd mix of club wear, professional wear, and dressy stuff. largest size is a 24. prices between $40 and $90.
woman within – ‘mature’ styles, good for basics and full coverage clothing (their bike shorts are awesome and cheap for chub rub prevention), sizes up to 44, prices from $10 to $99 with most stuff skewing toward cheaper. worst possible name for a store. online and catalog only.
yours clothing *** – UK retailer with juniors and 20something-y clothes, good for formal attire and fun prints too, carries up to a US 28 (though everything i’ve had from them runs about a size small/is very short), most things are between $40 and $100. online only outside of the UK, ships through europe, asia, middle east, africa, australia, and US/canada.
department stores/big box stores:
click here for some heavy lifting re: largest sizes in men’s and women’s sizes
jc penney *** – occasional cute dresses and occasional cute juniors plus. carries up to a 26. most stuff is $25 to $100. plus sizes are available in store, but junior plus is not.
kmart - sorta fashion forward for a big box store, they now carry AX paris stuff. sizes up to a 30/32, though the cuter stuff stops at 24/26. most stuff is under $45. selection is better online than in stores.
kohls – cheapy women’s and juniors casual wear. sizes up to a 24. prices are mostly under $40, with lots of good sales. also carries plus size levis at some locations. most physical stores actually have larger plus size sections than online. their junior plus line is online only, but you can order it from the kiosk in store and have it shipped.
macy’s – women’s and juniors plus styles, with women’s skewing more toward formal and professional. designers like jones ny and calvin klein. sizes up to 22/24. prices from $40 to $140. limited plus sections available in store, but most items are online only.
maurice’s – chintzy juniors and very casual stuff up to a size 28. most stuff is under $50. notable only for having a tool to show you if ‘regular’ clothes are available in plus sizes, and not charging more for plus sizes. online only outside of the midwest US.
neiman marcus – formal and professional designer styles, carries designers like Eileen fisher and joan vas. sizes up to 26/28 (though most things stop at 22/24). prices range from $80 to $500. not sure of availability in stores. couches plus sizes under ‘special sizes’.
nordstrom - formal and professional styles, carries designers like michael kors, DKNY, and ralph lauren. most things only go up to a 22/24. prices range from $80 to $300. limited plus sections available in store, but most items are online only.
ross *** - department stores that buy unsold stock from other department stores and closing retail stores. locations are hit or miss but sometimes there’s strange and beautiful gems. most stores have prices under $30 and sizes up to a 28. kind of like the thunderdome. no online shopping, stock differs store to store.
sears – inexpensive work wear and casual wear. sizes purportedly go up to a 26 but almost everything stops at a 24. most items are under $40. plus sizes can usually be found in store. have a completely different selection from online, though bathing suits can often be found in store.
target – cheap basics, casuals. sizes up to a 28/4X. most stuff is under $40. robust online selection, depressing and heartbreaking in store selection.
tj maxx/tk maxx *** – department stores that buy unsold stock from other department stores and closing retail stores. locations are hit or miss but sometimes there’s strange and beautiful gems. most stores have prices under $30 and sizes up to a 26. slightly fancier than ross, but less likely to have larger plus size items. no online shopping, stock differs store to store.
walmart – cheap basics, casuals, and activewear. surprisingly cute bikinis and bathing suits for cheap. sizes go up to a 28/4X though bathing suits seem to only go up to a 3X. most stuff is under $30. stores
bare necessities – bras between $50 and $100. mostly focused on large cup bras, but one or two bras with band sizes in the 50s.
full beauty - cup sizes up to N and band sizes in some cup sizes up to a 58. most bras are under $70.
her room – aggregator of plus size lingerie with a wide range of prices and options up to 14X.
hips and curves – bras with a band size up to 48, lingerie up to a 4X or so, most stuff under $60.
just my size – grandma-y bras but big range in sizes, and most things are under $40.
lady grace – cup sizes up to O and band sizes in some cup sizes up to a 58. most bras are under $70.
sockdreams *** – just socks and tights ! great reviews of knee- and thigh- high socks available on the site to let you know the maximum circumference of socks. lots of thigh highs can be plus size knee socks. socks range from $7 to $30.
we love colors *** – plus size tights and footless tights up to an EE (which comfortably fit me, a size 28/30). please see my review of their products here.
independent stores/vintage/hand made:
ali buttons designs - hand-made circle skirts in quirky fabrics.pre-made up to 3X and custom up to any size. prices from $25 to $50.
anna scholz - high end plus size, lots of print mixing. she makes some cheaper things that you can find at simply be. no sweatshops ! sizes up to a 24 (though the anna scholz dress i got from simply be was a 28 !). prices range from like, $100 to $500 but her sale section is reasonable.
ashley nell tipton – super cute skater dresses and skirts designed by a cool fat person. sizes up to a 32/6X (and they apparently run big !!!). most dresses under $80. online only.
blue fish clothing - organic/fair trade hippie dippie patchouli person clothes. sizes up to a 26, though most stuff stops at a 22. prices can get as high as $228.
cabiria – modern high end dresses, made without sweatshop labor.
designer is kind of a butthole. sizes up to 24, prices from $150-$400. online and in select boutiques only.
candy strike - unique plus size stuff, making prettttyyyy serious use of the cover of ‘unknown pleasures’. sizes up to a 22/24. prices between $30 and $65. online only.
chubby cartwheels *** – lace/mesh/velvet crop tops, body suits, leggings, crop tops, and bandeaus made by a cool fat person. sizes up to 5X. prices range from $25 to $50. online only.
cult of california - the first in plus size galaxy prints and more interesting boutique clothing. sizes up to a 5X/28/30. prices range from $12-$85.
the curvy elle - cute actual vintage from vintage times. sizes up to a 24 (sometimes 26 !), prices vary but most are under 40.
domino dollhouse *** – modern and trendy and retro styles by a cool fat person. the first plus store to get on the galaxy print tip ! sizes up to 28/4X (though the 4X leggings ran very large on me, a 28). prices under $90. online only.
fat fancy *** – portland vintage plus size- and i mean actual plus size and actual vintage. prices and sizes vary, since it’s vintage. etsy store available, brick and mortar store in portland.
gisela ramirez - maker of the infamous “fuck flattering” crop top. the store is broken right now so i can’t get any more deets.
heartmycloset ***– vintage patterns and retro styles by a person who will make any dress in ANY size. prices range $100 to $150 for a custom dress.
jessica louise - LA-based pin-uppy plus size stuff. sort of how torrid used to look before they sold out. most stuff is $30 to $80. online and brick & mortar in los angeles.
lovesick vintage - ACTUAL plus size vintage. seems to be up to a size 24 right now. prices under $50.
lucie lu boutique - former buyer for the now-defunct b&lu, described by kate harding as ‘forever 32’. sizes up to 5X, which are more like a 26/28 than a 30/32. prices from $16 to $75.
kmk designs - very customizable steampunk/goth/lolita/tim burton movie person clothes. they will make ANY size and customize for any gender presentation. prices range from $50 to $300. studio in minnesota, online for the rest of us.
kristin miles - cute modern plus, very modcloth-y. sizes up to 22/24 and prices ranging from $30 to $90.
proud mary vintage - ACTUAL plus size vintage. stuff up to 24 right now (but the vintage market is fickle). reasonable prices, most things under $40.
re/dress shop *** – modern and trendy plus size by two cool fat people in cleveland. now carrying masculine and butch styles too. home of teggings ! sizes up to 3X and 4X with plans to expand in the future. prices range from $25 to $100. brick and mortar store in cleveland.
size queen clothing - beth ditto-y hand made in portland. sizes look to go up to a 22/24. prices from $100 to $150.
youtheary khmer - actual on-trend clothing for plus size people. up to size 24. prices from $15 all the way up to $200.
zelie for she - plus size clothing by elann zelie. if nicki minaj called you and asked you to come over, you could comfortably pick something up here to wear. sizes up to a 26/28. prices between $60 and $90. online and in boutiques only.
gwynnie bee – like a netflix for plus size clothes. selection is great under a size 24, but availability and options go down the closer you get to size $20. you don’t have to wash anything, either ! various prices for various plans.
rent the runway – designer styles for rent up to a size 22. plus size celebrities like mary lambert use this service ! most rentals run $30-$125.
does anyone else feel like over time they’re getting more autistic
(well okay its probably a matter of accepting rather than repressing ur autistic traits but that isnt short and pithy)
Yes. I wrote this because I’ve heard easily over a hundred people ask this over the years before and since writing it:
Anonymous asked:I can’t think of any other blogs to ask, or just, anyway to find the answer to this question, but I’m writing a short story about a young man with chronic pain in his leg (as a side effect of lycanthorpy) and I want to know if, on a good day, but one where he was…
It depends on what the cause of the chronic pain is and where. For example, if it is muscular or skeletal then dancing is out, but if it is in the nerves then dancing could be possible. Mobility aids, such as using a cane to take some of the weight off the leg, COULD reduce the amount of pain even from muscular or skeletal causes, but unlikely to reduce it enough to make the dance fun.
(My guardian suffers chronic pain in his legs from hip replacement and we got to see all three types of pain after it.)
Also, consider the possibility (if both his creativity and motivation to dance is high) that the character might come up with ways to adapt the usual dance moves so they can do them with minimal pain. There is a long history of many dancers with various kinds of disabilities who have found all sorts of ways to adapt dancing so they can still enjoy themselves. Though I admit, I’m not sure how many of them have pain conditions.
As just one example of a pair of dancers (the man has one leg, the woman has one arm) who have adapted quite beautifully: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mK29iPaQDbg And you can find more tapes like these, both of the same pair of dancers and with various other dancers and whole troops of dancers with various types of disabilities from around the world. So you could look around for more examples.
Anonymous asked:I can’t think of any other blogs to ask, or just, anyway to find the answer to this question, but I’m writing a short story about a young man with chronic pain in his leg (as a side effect of lycanthorpy) and I want to know if, on a good day, but one where he was…
I usually go to Little Details, a livejournal community, for advice on this kinda stuff. Don’t need to have an account – I don’t – and I’ve gotten some useful responses.
Are there similar blogs to this or other positive blogs that you or readers can recommend?
Tone is important. When you say things the right way, it can increase the number of people who are willing to listen to you.
But that only goes so far. No matter how good you are at framing things, some things that need to be said will upset people who feel entitled to be comfortable. And, when you upset people who feel entitled to comfort, they will lash out at you. This is not your fault; it is theirs. Tone has its limits.
Also, getting tone right is really hard. No one starts out good at tone; it’s a very difficult skill that you can only learn with practice. And the only way to get practice is to spend a lot of time talking to people about controversial things. Which means that, in order to get good at tone, you’re going to have to spend a lot of time talking about these things while you’re still bad at tone.
People who mean well and genuinely want you to be heard understand this, and will encourage you to keep speaking up and keep working on your skills at speaking up effectively. People who want you to shut up about the things you’re talking about will try to make you feel horrible about your tone and convince you that your tone means you have no right to say anything.
Sometimes, when people say that you should be more careful about tone so that you can be heard, what they really mean is “I don’t want to hear that, shut up and say something else I’m willing to listen to”.
Don’t believe those people, and don’t shut up. The most important thing is to keep talking. If you are bad at tone, some people will refuse to hear you. If you are good at tone, some people will still refuse to hear you. If you say nothing for fear of getting the tone wrong, no one will hear you.
Shutting up won’t get you heard. Speaking up might.
I am very bad at tone. I nearly lost my job because of not using the appropriate tone with both staff and students. I am sure some people don’t like me - and I think this is a major cause of my social anxiety - because of the tone I use for even non-controversial things. But I have a lot of feelings about controversial things that I avoid communicating because I know the tone I tend to use will upset people/make them feel uncomfortable. So, this is a really important skill that I need to learn, else start wearing a badge that says ‘the tone I use probably won’t be appropriate but please forgive it and listen to me anyway’.
If you’re having trouble with tone in professional contexts, I’d suggest reading through the Ask A Manager blog. She has a lot of really helpful posts on how to communicate in professional settings, including how to give and receive effective feedback.
How do you make friends you actually like and who like you back? Most people end up annoying me if I spend too much time around them, and the few who don’t usually end up annoyed at me themselves.
How do you use the keywords to check? I can see how to use it to find stuff that does contain particular content, but not to avoid seeing stuff that does.
Is there any way to search the database for movies that *don’t* have particular keywords?
Or do you do it some other way?
Commonsensemedia.org has a movie review section that I use to find out more about movies if I’m worried about being triggered. I guess it could stand to say that some of the reviews may be triggering depending on the person. For ex, you may find out why the movie is considered violent/bloody (in a very concise manner as far as I’ve seen) if you read on in the description. It is really nice if you are not a parent/guardian and has a discussion part along with the review.
Thank you, that sounds like a really useful resource.
wolfesbrain asked:Read the post about consent problems. Curious about not quite opposite problem. Lack of opinion/preference being mistaken as consent problem e.g. “Where do you wanna go for lunch?” “I’m fine with wherever you want .” “Yeah, but, where do /you/ want?”realsocialskills said:Sometimes you can solve that problem by telling them explicitly that you want them to decide. Eg:
- “I’d like you to pick a place.”
- “I’m kind of tired of all the places I go, do you know of somewhere good?”
If you say it this way, it’s clearer that you’re actually *expressing* a preference (that they decide), and it looks less like you’re avoiding saying what you want in order to be polite.
Another possibility is to ask them for help narrowing it down, eg:
- “Can you give me some options?”
- “What are some places you like?”
Then, if you really don’t have a preference, you can pick one of their suggestions at random. And if you do have a preference, hearing a list can make it easier to make a choice.
These approaches don’t always work, but they do in a lot of situations.
I think it’d be cool if “decision fatigue” became a codeword the same way spoons already has.
“Where do you think we should eat?”
“Pizza it is then!”
oh god, so much. but you tend to get the problem where both people have decision fatigue, and then you’re like… idk, flip a coin?
No one in my family liked to cook or had a very large cooking repertoire. So we collectively had decision fatigue about what to eat for dinner for years. No one knew what they wanted to eat for dinner, but they knew it wasn’t pizza.
What The Fuck Should I Make For Dinner can help with that problem.
It works this way:
- It gives you one suggestion
- If you like it, you click the recipe and make that thing
- If you don’t, you click “I don’t fucking like that” and it gives you another suggestion
Supercook is also useful. You tell it what ingredients you have, and it gives you a list of things you can make with those ingredients.