rape culture

It is not upon you to complete the work, but neither are you free to desist from it

I’ve learned a lot about rape and rape culture from Tumblr, and now I want to start educating people. However, I am quite socially awkward, so I’m not really sure when and how to bring it up appropriately. Also, how do I make sure I don’t overwhelm them when it is the first time I am talking about rape culture to them? Should I arrange a campaign at my high school or should I talk one on one? Also, I don’t want to trigger anyone, how do I do that?

I am not a butch woman but due to how I dress people interpret me as such. I have guys who get um “excited” and keep touching me I don’t know if its some lesbian fetishsizing thing or in their minds they think they can “convert” me. I also have had a lot of bicurious women randomly flirting or touch me sometimes even inappropriately because they seem to see me as some acceptable target to play with their sexuality I guess.

sabrieln7:

aura218:

realsocialskills:

Anonymous asked realsocialskills:

Anonymous asked:

Your most recent post about physical boundaries really hits home with me because I’m a butch lesbian and I’ve noticed that, the more I stand out as “different,” the more often straight / bi / curious women seem to feel entitled to touch me in exactly the ways you described. They freak out if I reciprocate the touch, and if I tell them to back off, they tell me I’m making things up or projecting my insecurities onto them or, worst of all, over-estimating my attractiveness.

It seems like this boundary violation is a kind of microaggression aimed at me under the assumption that my gender presentation is evidence that I’m a pervert with infinitely huge sexual appetites and couldn’t possibly have boundaries to violate in the first place. Most hurtful of all is the way more gender-conforming lesbians point to this attention as evidence that I’m “highly prized and sought after” and therefore “privileged” in some way.

 Not really sure what I’m trying to say, no idea how to deal with this, just wanted to get it off my chest and see if other butch lesbians have the same problem. It really bothers me. So far the only way I’ve found to deal with this without huge fallout is to passively allow these women to touch me and not say anything about it, but I really hate doing that.

realsocialskills said:

I’m sorry that people treat you that way.

I think this is a step above microaggression. Microagression is when someone does something that wouldn’t be a big deal if it happened occasionally, but which becomes a big deal when it happens routinely as part of a context of dehumanizing discrimination. What you’re talking about is a bigger deal.

You are dealing with people who touch you with no regard to your consent, and then insult you in sexualized ways when you tell them to stop. That is beyond microaggression. This is predatory sexual behavior.

It’s a big deal each time someone does that; it’s not just the context of anti-lesbian hate that makes it a big deal. It’s both the individual action and the context.

It’s also a serious problem that people who should have your back are treating you like you’re the problem. You deserve better. No one should be touching you invasively, no one should be responding to your boundaries with sexualized insults - and no one should be blaming you or making excuses for any of this.

I don’t have any good answers here about how to handle this, so I’m going to ask the rest of y’all. Are any of y’all butch women who have been treated this way? Have you found any responses that help?

aura218 said

I haven’t experienced this, but I’ve seen this happen in gay girl groups, so I absoltely believe this is a ‘thing’. 

sabrieln7 said:

I’ve seen this too. :-/ 

I don’t know what to suggest other than to just say “seriously, can you not? I don’t like that.” 

You’re gunna have to bring the tone down from joking to serious and it’s gunna suck, but if they’re any kind of friend to you, they’ll deal with it.

The need to “save face” may result in some fallout, but hopefully it will be temporary, and then the behavior will stop.

realsocialskills said:

Have you seen this strategy work? It sounds to me like the kind of thing that *ought* to work, but I don’t know from experience that it does. Do you?

after a recent serious incident in my social circle I’ve gotten more proactive abt calling out minor consent issues b4 they escalate. I’ve noticed treating it like something rly obvious is quite effective - ppl take “u broke a social code” much better than “ur a predator”. but the more out-there the touch is, the easier that is. eg I recently had cause to go “you know it’s rude to lick people without asking, right?” which worked cos most ppl, y'know, don’t randomly lick ppl. still working onthis
realsocialskills said:
Have you found that this works better than saying “I don’t like being licked?”

Anonymous asked realsocialskills:

Anonymous asked:

Your most recent post about physical boundaries really hits home with me because I’m a butch lesbian and I’ve noticed that, the more I stand out as “different,” the more often straight / bi / curious women seem to feel entitled to touch me in exactly the ways you described. They freak out if I reciprocate the touch, and if I tell them to back off, they tell me I’m making things up or projecting my insecurities onto them or, worst of all, over-estimating my attractiveness.

It seems like this boundary violation is a kind of microaggression aimed at me under the assumption that my gender presentation is evidence that I’m a pervert with infinitely huge sexual appetites and couldn’t possibly have boundaries to violate in the first place. Most hurtful of all is the way more gender-conforming lesbians point to this attention as evidence that I’m “highly prized and sought after” and therefore “privileged” in some way.

 Not really sure what I’m trying to say, no idea how to deal with this, just wanted to get it off my chest and see if other butch lesbians have the same problem. It really bothers me. So far the only way I’ve found to deal with this without huge fallout is to passively allow these women to touch me and not say anything about it, but I really hate doing that.

realsocialskills said:

I’m sorry that people treat you that way.

I think this is a step above microaggression. Microagression is when someone does something that wouldn’t be a big deal if it happened occasionally, but which becomes a big deal when it happens routinely as part of a context of dehumanizing discrimination. What you’re talking about is a bigger deal.

You are dealing with people who touch you with no regard to your consent, and then insult you in sexualized ways when you tell them to stop. That is beyond microaggression. This is predatory sexual behavior.

It’s a big deal each time someone does that; it’s not just the context of anti-lesbian hate that makes it a big deal. It’s both the individual action and the context.

It’s also a serious problem that people who should have your back are treating you like you’re the problem. You deserve better. No one should be touching you invasively, no one should be responding to your boundaries with sexualized insults - and no one should be blaming you or making excuses for any of this.

I don’t have any good answers here about how to handle this, so I’m going to ask the rest of y'all. Are any of y'all butch women who have been treated this way? Have you found any responses that help?

pervocracy:

sexualfrustrationmama:

we don’t need to “teach girls to say no”, we need to teach boys to take “no” for an answer so that girls who learn to say no, who already say no, who’ve been saying no can feel like it’s even a viable option that’ll have an effect in the first place

Also: we don’t need to “teach girls to say no,” we need to teach girls to say “no” when they don’t want something.

My sex ed class taught girls lots of ways to say “no” to sex.  The problem was that they didn’t teach that this had any connection to your actual desires—it was just something you had to do. Which is not empowering; when you teach “you’re supposed to say no; it’s not about what you want,” the implication that girls’ desires and decisions don’t matter came through loud and clear.

It also implied, to the boys in the class, that pressuring girls and ignoring “no” were the only way they could ever have sex.  If girls are supposed to say “no” all the time, regardless of what they want, then maybe a girl who says “no” doesn’t really mean it.  And if girls are supposed to say “no” all the time, but heterosexual sex clearly still happens… it normalizes the idea that boys are not just allowed but expected to not take “no” for an answer.

We really need consent education. Not just about sex. About things in general. About what it is and what it isn’t, and how to communicate.